April Fools!

“Legend of Zelda: Breast of the Wild” Tastes Better Than it Looks

Pedophila and dementia wrapped in a game with too much open world

By: Rami Tabari


Nintendo’s newest entry in the once iconic series, Legend of Zelda, is a complete disaster due to wonky gameplay and pixelated graphics. The only redeeming quality is that the game cartridge tastes better than the game actually plays.

“Legend of Zelda: Breast of the Wild” follows the story of the hero of time, Zelda, trying to save princess Link from Ganon’s reign of terror.

Except it isn’t about that at all. It’s about killing people and stealing their stuff.

“Breast of the Wild’s” reincarnation of the iconic characters have drastically changed. Zelda is Tarzan, Link is still useless as always, and Ganon is now Calamity Ganon, which basically forces him to look like a giant fart hovering over Hyrule castle.

The game begins with an old man eyeing up a half naked Zelda like a piece of meat. The player can surmise that the Old Man is the one who’s kept Zelda captive in the water chamber for 100 years.

Zelda, who’s clearly traumatized by his pedophilic intentions, begins to hear voices that tell him to steal the Old Man’s stuff and run away to start his life as a bandit.

The dark underlying facts are that the game encourages you to skip through the world and mug innocent people around campfires. For a game that’s meant for children, it’s not so kid friendly.

The graphics are practically cut and paste from a game in the 90’s about a boy with an ocarina. The amount of polygons on screen do not match to today’s standards of gaming. It is an insult to fans who’ve waited so long for a game that doesn’t have enough pixels.

The developers even stripped the player from their ability to roll. Why take away the most joyous aspect about the Zelda series. Rolling through Hyrule will never be the same.

Zelda cannot roll, but he can climb up surfaces like Spider-Man. Nintendo clearly teamed up with Marvel for this feature. It’s hard to perfect climbing up walls unless Marvel is involved.

“Breast of the Wild” overwhelms you with its open world experience; it’s completely unnecessary. Who would want to roll a boulder around a planet-sized map all day long? Nobody. No one likes boulders, Nintendo.

The way the game implements its weapon durability feels like a carbon copy of “Dead Rising.” It’s tedious and makes the game absurdly difficult if you’re trying to play as a pacifist. The game enforces the need to kill for weapons so heavily that even the Master Sword is breakable.

The cooking system is too convoluted and unrealistic for someone out alone in the woods. Killing a bull shouldn’t result in magically appearing prime steak. It doesn’t help that a steak the size of Zelda barely heals two of his hearts.

The game encourages the player to hunt for food to survive, yet why aren’t we able to eat chicken without being brutally murdered? The simple answer: PETA was on the development team.

Legend of Zelda has built a reputation of its recurring difficult level: the water temple. “Breast of the Wild” sorely disappoints on that front by not having it at all. It simply doesn’t exist.

Nintendo claims to have worked on this project for years, yet you can get to Ganon in only a few hours. The only time consuming task would be taking a picture of every plant and enemy with the Sheikah Tablet.

The Sheikah Tablet is essentially your map and camera modeled after a Nintendo Switch: shameless self-advertising.

Ultimately, “Breast of the Wild” is the biggest disappointment that Nintendo has ever produced and that’s counting the Switch.

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