April Fools!

A Feathered Affair

What really happened to the geese of CSI

By Alissa Mangiacapre

For years, a gaggle of webbed-foot-mobsters occupied CSI. Short-billed, long-necked and hot-tempered, the Staten Island clan of water birds gathered on the pavement outside classroom windows, honking at passersby and leaving trails of droppings along every available pathway. According to the lab report done on a sample taken from the bottom of President William J. Fritz’s shoe, the gang became particularly fond of the campus because of their grass based diets.

One onlooker, now hidden deep within the witness protection program, reported seeing geese by 3S engaging in what appeared to be “a lover’s quarrel.” John Smith, as we will refer to him, was studying for midterms on a bench outside the education building when he heard the scuffle.

According to reports taken by Geese Police “[the witness] ran over to the grass to investigate the commotion and that’s when [he] saw it. A larger male goose, wearing a shiny gold chain and ring on the tip of his pinky feather, holding another gander in a headlock as a female goose waved around a cafeteria issued knife, about an inch wide, serrated plastic.” Smith told NYGP officials that the altercation began after the victim, by the name of Goose Willis, was caught honking at the female suspect’s tail feather while she crossed the pathway heading toward 1L.

Reporters for The Banner arrived on scene shortly after the police were called. Smith gave a statement while paramedics tended to the minor head wound he acquired after allegedly being beaten by a gosling. It has not yet been confirmed whether the suspect is related to A-list actor, Ryan Gosling. During the incident, Smith claims to have searched the area for other witnesses but all he could find was a woodchuck standing on his hind legs, pumping his fists and chanting. Unfortunately the groundhog, Justin Beaver, fled the scene before cops arrived and refused to comment when questioned about the flock.  

The geese involved in the crime formerly resided on The Great Lawn and are members of the Anserini tribe. Ring Leader, Ducky Guciano and his longtime companion, Feather Locklear, were charged with fowl play and placed in a kennel to await trial. The rest of their winged crew was hauled off by New York City’s Bird Control in a van marked: “Get the flock out of here!” A receptionist at a local vet’s office said Willis is in stable condition and expected to make a full recovery. The pound where suspects are being held has not returned The Banner’s phone calls.
In Memory of The College of Staten Island’s goose chaser, Buddy The Border Collie. Thank you for being such a good boy.

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