You know it’s true
By: Steven Aiello
Opinions: everybody has them and they practically make people who they are. For some time we’ve been told that no opinion is more important than any other opinion. What nobody told is that there actually is an opinion that’s greater than all the rest: mine. In fact, your opinions are literally meaningless and you guys as people mean even less because of this.
I don’t know why this paper has an opinions section, let alone why I’m not the one and only person writing for it. It’s an insult that anybody would think their opinion means anything compared to mine. “Well why is your opinion better than everybody else’s?” I hear you ask.
Simple: I have better taste than you. You don’t shop where I shop, eat what I eat, do what I do or live how I live. Your opinion doesn’t mean a thing because you aren’t me, and you will never be me. I am an inherently awesome person, and am absolutely flawless.
“Steven Aiello? Yeah, he’s such a badass. I wish I could be just like him.” says Clifford Michel, the co-editor-in-chief of The Banner.
I am smart, I look and sound good and have all the knowledge that comes with being a college freshman.. Meanwhile, you guys are probably struggling to pass your classes and have considered bribing your professors for D’s. I don’t even need to try in class because everybody, even the professors, know how cool I am.
The editor of the opinions section, Marcus Del Valle, had this to say: “No doubt, Steven Aiello is the greatest person to ever live. He’s the one who should be editing my section.” You know something is wrong when even the editor knows what I deserve, yet I still don’t have the job.
Both Clifford and Marcus know I’m the best person to ever live and it’s all because of my superior taste. Most of you guys think that Pantera is a species of cat, Metallica is a new element on the periodic table and Ringo Star is some kind of exotic sea creature.
The only “Sonic” you know of is the fast food chain, while you don’t even know who Zelda is. You probably think Samus is a man, scratch that you probably think she’s named “Metroid,” don’t actually know who Mario is and the only exposure you’ve had to classic films has been through horrible remakes. I, on the other hand, am well-versed in all the classic franchises, movies and artists.
Pretty soon, everyone on the planet, literally everyone, is going to know my name and I will make history. Even after thousands of years have passed, people will look back on my excellence and think “Damn! Steven Aiello was an amazing person.” Maybe my name itself will become so famous that nobody else will ever use it, because they’ll just make a mockery of it.
Think you can never live up to me? Well, you’re correct, but you’re also in luck. For just $26.00, you can learn what it really means to be the great person that I am. You can learn all about my tastes in music, television, movies and games, my lifestyle and my opinions in my book: “How to be the Biggest Badass of All Time.” My book will let you know how to speak, how to act, how to conduct yourself, so that you can attempt to be as cool as me.