Grabbing kitties and other ways you can be a Trumpian orange
By: Beren Sabuncu
There are some trends you just want to be in on. These trends are so beautiful and so enticing that you immediately want to be a part of them. There are so many examples:
Paris Hilton was inspirational because she was the one who started the trend of losing your Motorola Razr when the party is running a little too long.
Jennifer Lopez started the trend of wearing bell bottom leather pants and somehow still staying sexy and relevant.
The Kardashians started the trend of saying “literally” to literally everything. Seriously, literally everything. Britney Spears started the trend of dancing sexually on a plane and the Mile High Club.
Classics have to start by being relevant. No-one could deny that Trump and his tan is one of the most relevant subjects of our times. How do we achieve that beautiful orange glow? The kind of glow your neighborhood millionaire would have, laughing and beaming in the sun as they’re waving at you from their daddy’s yacht.
Well, fret no more! I know exactly what will make your day. You, yes you, can look like a beautiful carrot under the sunlight. You will never be jealous of Guidos and Guidettes, because you yourself will be a very orange person. I will give you the tips and tricks, I will tell you what are myths and what is true.
If you want to be orange, you have to go the extra mile. Being orange is no easy task and if it were, every other person would be orange too. One would have to change their entire lifestyle, diet and wardrobe.
In the morning when you first wake-up, drink a glass of orange juice. The name is pretty self-explanatory. All throughout your day, make sure to eat orange foods.
Favorites of mine include, but aren’t limited to: carrot ginger soup, orange M&M’s and cheddar cheese. Also, you absolutely have to eat at least 34 sticks of carrots every single day. I cannot stress that enough! You have to eat at least 34 sticks. I’ve heard people trying 28-29, but for the general public, 34 is the perfect number.
Do not drink water. This means that you will be prone to making bad decisions and will have problems with your speech such as rambling and total lack of respect, but it’s totally fine! Just think of the tan you will have. That’s all that matters!
Apart from changing your dietary habits, you need to buy a tanning bed. Tanning Bed Wolff 16 and Tanning Bed XS Power Lux Facial are personal favorites of mine. They range from a mere $1,500 to $2,000. Let’s face it, are you even living if you don’t have one? Seriously, if you are an adult over 16, there is absolutely no reason for you not to have several thousand dollars lying around.
The way you dress plays a huge part in the way you’re perceived. Hence, if you’d like to be perceived orange, you have to dress accordingly. Blue ties are a must as they compliment and bring forth the orange in you.
Vigorous exercise is also a must! There is a lovely game called grab-a-cat, in which you grab the cats of innocent people and scream “I grabbed the pussy, I grabbed the pussy!” This will not turn you orange, but it’s fun!
You need to have your eye on the prize and you need to do everything in your power to get what you want. You need to lie and cheat your way into orange-hood. You needn’t trouble yourself with futile things such as decency, health or honesty. There are some trends you just want to be in on, and if you want to survive nowadays, this is definitely one of them.