April Fools!

An Asshole’s Manifesto

The Neglected Hole

By: Dominick Wojtas

For years we have seemingly neglected this small hole that is so crucial to our existence. Its nature makes our repulsion seem warranted. But alas, we have been too quick to judge.

Take a practical example: few individuals truly show love to the sanitation department. They work long hours shoveling up your trash from one container into the next. All we think is, “out of sight, out of mind;” that’s our train of thought, meanwhile they live it.

We treat our assholes the same way, “out of sight, out of mind.” However if you think about it, this statement is in complete lack of fairness when considering our other body parts. What about the penis? It is also a crucial disposer of waste and yet, men run around rampant, trying to convince a second party to attend to it. The same holds true for the female vagina; that flower begs to be watered just as much!

But what about a body part that both sexes uniformly share? We can’t see it without the help of a reflective surface. It’s on our rear so, “out of sight, out of mind,” but let me tell you, this is blasphemy. Our anus desires to bask in the pleasure of another’s tongue, just as our selfish genitals do.

The asshole is shy, too timid to beg for attention, complacent as it carries out its daily duties.

Yet it yearns, and you must listen when it from time to time, lets out a soft cry for attention. Be attentive, and respond.

You will soon learn that this is not a self-less pursuit. For your asshole is a kind being and it would never do anything for its own sake (even though it deserves it).

A masterful tongue will send immense pleasure waves, some even tsunami size, reaching crevices in your body that you didn’t even know existed.

But even the touch of an amature tongue will send spine tingling, lighting-like pleasure shocks that are sure to tense up your muscles before a gradual relax, as if one was undergoing a deep tissue massage only to realize that no one is at their sides.

And just like your ass, you must not be selfish. Take a page out of its book. If one gets, one should also give. No one will keep giving to a sole taker, play both roles.

My mother always said, a wholesome individual will find just as much satisfaction in providing pleasure as in receiving.

Be that wholesome individual and your partner may permanently alter their gaze at you; a pious individual staring into the face of a new God.

Pop culture has awakened this movement with rapper, Jhene Aiko requiring her suitor to “eat booty like groceries” and pop icon Nicki Minaj being no stranger to lyrics glorifying this sacred act.

The tongue is in our court now and millions of Americans everyday are discovering a new sensation in a once foreign territory.

Let this message resonate far and wide, for we must carry this sacred credo of pleasure and enthrall the sensory nerves that have lain dormant for centuries!

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