April Fools!

CSI Enforces “No Decal, No Standing”

Students Rail Against New “No Standing” Policy

By: Ruben Sibri 

An early draft of the new rule at CSI. Photo Credit: Buzzfeed.com

CSI has officially implemented it’s new “No, Understand!, Dont Ever Stand ” policy earlier this weeks.

A few days ago CSI finally rolled out it’s new N.U.D.E.S. rules to students, dictating that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to stand anywhere on campus without purchasing a decal first.

N.U.D.E.S has been rather controversial amongst students already facing a tuition hike this year, where the only way to access and pay your balance is to physically hike up the closest mountain.

As one student put it its “an unfair, money hungry, power grab,” as she crawled through the entrance on her way to class because it’s “technically not walking .”

The move to give students tickets from the act of simply standing comes from the top. According to an anonymous tip, from the secretary of the school’s President, the move came after a student witnessed a tragedy and refused to do anything but stand by and mock the victim.

The tragedy here being that while CSI President, William J. Fritz, PhD, was walking through the campus center the other day carrying his bi-weekly chopped cheese he slipped on a copy of The Catalyst,(a CSI publication and club that was cancelled last week with little explanation) resulting in a spill of said chopped cheese when a nearby student reportedly laughed and gave the President a hardy “YEEEEERRR’ before walking away from the scene.

As students crawl, do the worm and drive their cars into the side of the campus buildings, to avoid walking, one has to wonder if the school is doing the right thing by implementing this new rule.

Despite the student body putting pressure on the student government to step in to help their fellow peers, it seems they are in favor of the schools new policy.

“What the hell are you talking about ban nudes, no nudes, screw nudes, I love nudes. Aren’t you nerds college students too? And why the hell is everyone crawling!?” said one of the Senators.

Although the rules have been written some students won’t back down without a fight.

Reportedly students are planning to hold a “stand in” at the campus center where the incident happened just last week and protest against the president’s decision.

They plan to hold up signs like “We don’t want your N.U.D.E.S. President Fritz.” and “Send N.U.D.E.S…back.”

The decals can be purchased in 3A for $200 for the semester or $205 for the whole year.

Despite the fact that students haves stormed the building riding deer, in order to avoid getting tickets, and locked the staff inside, their yelling from inside the building assured that they’d be happy to “PLEASE” and “HELP” those who’d crawl in.

Though it’s unsure if the policy will stick, for now it’s safe to say that students will continue to find creative ways to avoid being ticketed. Which can be read more about in The Banana’s piece “ Top 10 painless ways to break your own legs” this upcoming issue.

 

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