Sex and Relationships

Sex With Your Ex…Again?

How to Avoid Make-up Sex in Disguise

By: Summer Martinez

Talking about sex boundaries with your ex is beneficial. (Credit:

We all know that getting out of a relationship does not equal to no longer having a sex drive, and finding a compatible sex partner takes time. So, if you’re recently single, you’ve maybe immediately thought about rebounding … with your ex.

Sex with your ex can be a great thing. Some may do it just once, for closure. While others may do it for general conveniences and sexual well-being.

It may feel somewhat as if you’re strangers exploring each other all over again because there’s no title to your relationship and, consequently, no strings attached.

Except that’s not exactly true.

No longer being in a relationship doesn’t always equate to a complete depletion of emotional attachment.

Your experiences with each other are not erased and the memories of your relationship may still be freshly imprinted. As this holds true for all recently-parted couples, it remains apparent and worth emphasizing that having sex with your ex can be emotionally risky for both parties.

If you’re debating to get back under sheets with your former lover for a few random nights until you (or they) find someone new, taking certain conversational steps can help to lessen the probability and intensity of emotionally confusing territory.

An ex-partner who has become a relevant and sexually present partner is still a form of a relationship. And, as all well-meaning relationships, it deserves mutual grounding by way of conversation.

So, what sort of conversation should you be having with your ex? If you are temporary engagement is to be based on sexual matters, it is beneficial and essential for former lovers to discuss their terms of sex.

Coming to mutual terms of a sexual agreement can involve pre-discussing the nature and extension of your relationship, frequency of sex, and what is allowed and not allowed in the bedroom.

This is a means to come to an agreement on what is okay for the both of you so as to lessen complications that ‘ex-sex’ may ensue.

With any sexual relationship, individual preferences of the do’s and don’ts of sex are especially important to establish. Sex is often imagined as an act of being physically and mentally in sync with someone else.

Naturally,however, though bodies intermix we are all individuals with our own thoughts and feelings.

If temporary, yet continued sex with your ex is what you mutually seek, evidently the goal is to avoid any possible surge of emotional abuse that may come with stirred thoughts and emotions.

Consider that the use of certain pet names, intense sexual positions or rhythm, and engaging in particular kinks can be potential discourses to the ironic harmonies of ex-sex.

It’s worth noting that as sex is natural, having terms or restrictions on sex can be tricky. Try to keep a fairly open mind. For some topic areas, you may want to allow yourselves a range to your limitations rather than set concrete do’s and don’ts.

Conversation about your sex life should not be limited to discussions with your ex. There are questions you should ask yourself, too.

Like to what extent do you personally believe that sex with your ex is beneficial and emotionally sound? If you are unsure, you may be better off avoiding the act altogether.

In order not be one-sidedly tempted into your past relationship (or vice versa), you might also ask—would I be comfortable with having good sex? Or limiting certain sexual pleasures that spark connection and emotional intensity, as opposed to great sex?

If not, consider how it might hurt or help the circumstance of having a sexual relationship with your ex. Importantly, if there’s more than one occasion where you have sex with your ex, invite yourself to reflect on how you feel afterwards. But be wary of the expense of dwelling on the experience.

Ex-sex can happen spontaneously, and if it does, that’s okay too. Rather than having had initiated a pre-sex discussion on your prospective sexual relationship, you can have a post-sex discussion. For even after the fact, boundaries can be established as necessary.

If your former relationship had been inclusive of healthy communication and if your breakup was not, per se, disastrous, it seems fair to say that it would be more likely to mutually manage and benefit from ex-sex than if these positive aspects were generally unapplied.

While sex with your ex may be risky, depending on your relationship, it is doable-and even healthy. Having a fling with an ex demands proper modes of communication for the benefit of all persons involved.

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