April Fools!

The Deadly Papercut

Society’s Adjustment to The New York Bag Law and The Revenge of The Plastic Bags 

By: Sabrina Benet

 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the line of cashiers asking for paper or plastic has officially gone extinct, or as some may say, deader than dinosaurs. 

Beginning March 1st, the State of New York began its paper bag escapade, preparing to make middle-aged women cry and children get more paper cuts. 

As a retail worker, in order to prepare our customers for this life-altering transition, we started hanging signs around the store which coincidentally said, “Shop somewhere else!” The company must have sent the wrong ones. 

An actual sign sent by management. Credit: Sabrina Benet

Before we realized this tragedy customers had scoffed and walked out, you would have thought it was over the paper bag atrocity. Not only are the tree killers at it again, but they are looking for revenge. 

Plastic bags are looking to get back into our stores and homes, and they will stop at no end. 

Soon after, the bill was extended to April 1st so people can stock up on bandaids, Neosporin and tissues. This gives the state a little more time for countless meetings about plastic bags, discussing what they can do to save themselves from a life of exile and get back at the people who wished this upon them.

Real photo evidence of the New York Plastic Bags (NYPB) meeting. Credit: Sabrina Benet

The plastic bags planned a trip to Mayor Bill de Blasio’s house, where they began a peaceful protest, littering his lawn with their presence and throwing ripped up paper bags into the air like confetti. 

The Mayor’s security guard was unsure about how the gang managed to sneak in and called the NYPD for back-up. Police arrived at the scene within a half-hour and began laughing at the army of bags on the lawn. 

Locked and loaded: Plastic bags protest their right to be used. Credit: Sabrina Benet

The protest ended abruptly as each bag was picked up and thrown into the trash out front. Ripped and confused, the bags further discussed how to accomplish their goal.  

Lifting the lid of the trash can, they piled into a nearby sewer with the intention to flood everyone’s house in the neighborhood, an eye witness says.

The ultimate revenge. Credit: Sabrina Benet

Records show the only flooding that occurred was in the comment section on the Facebook page titled “Professional Complainers,” where anti-Earth activists protested the use of paper bags. 

The state continues to make the consumer’s pockets hurt by charging a whopping 69 cents per paper bag and extra if you want handles. 

“Handles are a privilege,” speaks Governor Andrew Cuomo during a press conference. To have a handle you must pay at least an extra 20 cents, or offer your firstborn child.

The war of the plastic bags is just getting started, with more to come in April. The Banner will provide accurate updates on this hot topic as it unfolds.

 

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