April Fools!

Bye-bye, Bambi!

Why the grass is greener at CSI

By Declan Kaasler

Look closely at the muddy ground on campus and you may spy unusual footprints. No, there isn’t anyone walking on stilts. Those tiny tracks have been left behind by deer.

For years, deer have been able to thrive in the woods surrounding the campus. Thanks to the municipal ban on hunting, local deer have begun exploring campus life.

Since they cannot dine in 1C, they graze on the CSI’s beautiful green grass, destroying our lawns and athletics fields. Deer have a surprisingly voracious appetite for grass flavored with countless beverages spilled by students.

The college has a small budget for maintenance. While a funding feud with Albany continues, the college has elected to embrace a more hands-on approach to reducing this deer threat.

The maintenance department has started hunting deer overnight, while the campus is deserted. As a Dolphin Cove resident, I had a chance to interview one of the hunters.

It was midnight when I heard a whistling sound outside my window, followed by screeching. After reaching the scene, I met Bobby Reed, who had just nailed one of the infamous deer with an arrow!

“I’m just happy to do my part for the CSI Community. If we’re not out here every night, we’ll get overrun!” Reed explained. Reed then gave an inside scoop as to what happens next: “nothing goes to waste, the deer meat is used to satisfy the lunchtime rush in the cafeteria.” Vegan readers beware!

The campus center has begun introducing venison to the menu, a leaner, higher quality meat compared to beef. This is fantastic news for all our health-conscious students.

There is no word yet on what is being done with the deer pelts, but the college is allegedly in talks with a third-party to have a new line of branded hoodies manufactured.

This is certainly a very interesting turn of events on campus. If you are interested in joining the hunt, you can submit an application to maintenance building. Pay is set at $11 an hour, but being able to enjoy a pristine green campus again, that is Priceless.

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Categories: April Fools!, News

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