April Fools!

Smooth Sailing at CSI

Board of Trustees Decide to Put New Roadways on Campus

By Regina E. Romandetti

If you are like most students at the College of Staten Island, you are well aware of the infamous potholes on campus.The college recently had a secret meeting with the board of trustees on February 29th to add funding to the renovation of roadways on campus. This includes renovating parking lots to accommodate more students, fixing potholes and snow removal during the winter months.

The campus is known for having the worst roadways. Ben Dover a freshman on campus said  “The potholes are like galaxies far far away, once you are stuck in one, there is no hope for you.”  Sadly, this is true. Last year CSI lost a beloved secretary, Mrs. Butkiss, to a campus pothole. She still posts videos to her Facebook from outer space, while moonwalking on the moon with extra terrestrials. Some would say she enjoys it more than campus life.

If more money is needed for renovations, the board of trustees will cut funds from core classes. Not the important ones that will make you a well rounded person.

Just the ones the college makes you take to waste your time and money, and always forget to mention you have to take after your applied for graduation.  

All roads on campus  will be freshly paved. The wheels on your vehicle will feel as if its gliding across ice while your drive to your classes. You will no longer have to swerve to make sure you don’t get a flat tire from an enormous pot holes. Your drive to school will no longer feel as if you are in Jeep off roading in the Sahara desert.

There will be a team to fix any pothole that occurs after the renovation. The workers hired to fix the potholes will be wearing black tuxedos with bow ties, to show that the College of Staten Island gives a world class education.

The College of Staten Island wants to use the natural resources on campus to build the best parking lots for their prized students.  They will be using all natural materials such as papers from old lecture notes and textbooks from students who find no use for them anymore to fill the holes. It’s an up and coming way to save our planet.

They will be adding more parking spots for the students. They first will be  eliminating the faculty parking lot. The board of trustees  believe it’s time for professors to realize how hard it is to get a spot on campus without being late.  Faculty will have to find parking on the streets outside the campus.

They will also be adding more parking spots closer to the buildings on campus. Now you will not have to walk three miles to class after purchasing a parking pass. Parking passes will be drastically reduced. All proceeds from the distributing of parking passes will go to snacks that you find  yummy and delicious. These snacks will be given out during classes daily.

Staten Island is known for having cold winters and heaps of snow fall. Once the snow hits the ground there will be removal in all areas that parking is permitted on campus. All ice will be my melted by torches. No one will get stuck in the snow to go to a place they don’t want to go to.

If the snow is falling too fast for the team wearing tuxedos, classes will be cancelled until all snow is removed. No midterms or finals will be given if there is snow on the ground and not an adequate  amount of cleared parking spots close enough to the buildings of tests being distributed.

The campus will now will be offering valet parking right outside your building. Now you do not have to bare the winter. You could also use this luxury if you over slept from your wild night out on Taco Tuesday.  There are no restrictions on this.

The new and improved parking lots will also be offering a drive through Starbucks, Wendy’s and Jamba Juice. Most of us are late to class because we need a pick me up before we spend two and half hours in a lecture, bored out of our minds. Once you get to the drive through line, you scan your student ID card and it will take your attendance so you will not be marked late for class.

The parking lot will also include FREE car washes for anyone who has purchased a parking pass. The carwash employees will be professors who give out the lowest grades to the students. This is a learning experience for professors. If a professor has a higher rate of giving out lower grades, it is obviously the professor is not teaching well.
The board of trustees hopes that the work on the roadways will make students happy and healthier all around.

Categories: April Fools!, News

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