April Fools!

How To Succeed Without Even Trying

Looking to fail at something?

 By Victoria Priola

Victoria Priola, former Head Bitch in Charge at The Banner, is back in this trick! As a 2016 graduate, Priola has seen shit. And when I say she’s seen shit, I mean her career. Her goal is to attempt to prove that in some way, somehow, you will fail after attending CSI— it’s just a matter of when.

Are you ready for some of the worst advice you’ll ever get? Well, fasten your seatbelt kids.

Columnists and career experts have been giving advice on having a long, prosperous career since the dawn of time— as if anyone truly has the science to success down.

I can’t advise you on how to become a CEO overnight but I know my fair share on how to successfully fail at everything you do. Here are some tricks of the trade I’ve picked up since my time at CSI:


  1. Be late to everything.

Your boss will appreciate you taking a few extra minutes, even hours, to prepare for your day of work. So, go ahead. Get that coffee, take your time doing your makeup and maybe stop at the park to take a stroll. Your boss cares about your well-being. They want you to be late.


  1. Tell your boss you’re holding an office pool on how big his dick is.

This also works for your female bosses bra size. Remember: it’s only harassment if someone reports it and nobody likes a rat.


  1. Date your co-workers.

Who needs Tinder when you work in an office? Dating those you work with might seem taboo but experts say it boosts office morale and enhances your work ethic. Double points if you have sex in the copy room.


  1. Do the bare minimum.

If you start out a superstar, there’s no room for growth. If you’re asked to work weekends, say no. Night shifts? Screw that. Why should you exert yourself for things that grow on trees, like benefits and extra cash? Pah-lease.


  1. Quit while you’re ahead.

Are you afraid of getting fired? Just quit! Why delay the inevitable? With no job, you’ll have more time to do things that actually matter. Like watching fifteen hours of “This Is Us” and “Black Mirror.”
Whether you take this advice or not, just know that you will fail at something at some point. The important thing to remember is that there are millions of people, just like you, failing as well. We’re all pretty much screwed. Yep, that’s about it. I hope you’re as inspired as I am.

Categories: April Fools!, News

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