The Entire World Revells at Surprise Announcement
By Clifford Michel
WASHINGTON–In a shocking turn of events that will immediately have vast ramifications across the globe, Donald J. Trump has resigned from his position of President of the United States, effective immediately.
When House Speaker Paul Ryan visited the White House on March 24 to tell Trump that the American Health Care Act simply didn’t have the votes to pass in the House of Representatives, Trump’s reaction was simple:
Trump took a folded piece of paper out of his pocket, opened it up, and asked his aide for a pen, multiple sources in the room at the time told The Banner. Then Trump began to sign the document.
Ryan, his aides, and White House aides were all confused about the situation.
“Mr. President, what exactly are you doing?” Ryan asked.
“Quitting,” Trump replied causally. “I’m not into this shit anymore. I’m really not.”
In what will surely be a tweetstorm to remember, Trump told the American people that his heart was never in it to begin with and that he really just wanted to accomplish two things: heal his ego and get richer.
“Okay, so I just quit, so y’all can just leave me the hell alone,” Trump’s first tweet read.
“I thought everyone would love me if I became President, but all y’all do is complain!!!!”
“I have a fragile ego. Some say it’s the most fragile ego they’ve ever seen. And all you guys do is make fun of me.”
“I tried to make health care great again, but NO! Everyone thinks my plan sucks…and I worked so hard on the branding.”
“And lastly, the pay is absolute shit here,” Trump concluded. “So yeah, I’m fucking out.”
At the meeting, Ryan, an ideologue at heart, yelled out to Trump as he began to leave the room: “You can’t do this! You have a responsibility to the American people!”
Suddenly, Trump stopped in his tracks and walked back to Ryan.
“Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” Trump said staring Ryan down. “I disagree with literally everything you believe in. So, please: sit down. Shut the fuck up.”
“Oh, and your health care plan makes no sense at all, just so you know,” Trump said while walking away.
Family members and friends with close ties to Mr. Trump have since told numerous media outlets that they never REALLY supported everything that Trump said.
Reporters asked Ivanka what she thought about her father’s decision as she stormed out of a popular D.C. brunch spot.
“Is that even a question?” Ivanka snapped back. “I’m literally the definition of a Clinton Democrat and I gave up my values so he could be president.”
“So yes,” she continued. “I’m pissed.”
Trump’s two eldest sons, Eric and Donald Jr., were both stunned at their father’s decision.
“Did you just see this shit?” Eric told Donald Jr. at a board meeting in Trump Tower, two sources told The Banner. “What the actual fuck is he thinking?! This was not part of the plan.”
Donald Jr. response was more cryptic.
“I’m not really sure what’s going on,” Donald Jr. mused while tweeting. “But he promised that he’d let me run the company, so he better find himself a hobby.”
“He’s going to want it back, Donnie,” Eric said to his brother while he began to pour himself a rather tall glass of whiskey.
“I just don’t get it,” Donald Jr. shot back. “We even became racist for him, dude.”
Mike Pence, Trump’s Vice President, is now the President of the United States. After he was sworn in as President, Speaker Ryan walked in with a bottle of champagne and was followed shortly by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who brought beer and pretzels.
The three poured a few drinks out and clinked glasses and cheered: “Finally!