April Fools!

A Classic Case of “Switch”eroo

Nintendo Takes another Shot at an Old Product

By: Steven Aiello

Despite the success of the Switch, the WiiU will come out on top after all. (Credit: nintendoenthusiast.com)

The Nintendo Switch has been a great success story for Nintendo as of recent, propelling them back into the spotlight.

With all of the recent success Nintendo has received, the company has opted to move in a more ambitious direction for the future.

Starting sometime this summer, Nintendo will bring back the Wii U, but with a catch: the Nintendo Switch will be cancelled indeterminately. This includes any and all Switch titles, which will remain unplayable unless they were already on the Wii U.

The Wii U was an innovative product that never lived up to expectations and it failed both critically and commercially. With classics such as “The Letter,” “Sonic Boom,” “Meme Run,” “Mario Party 10,” and many more, it’s anybody’s guess as to how the Wii U sold just over thirteen million units.

Reggie Fils-Aimé, the President of Nintendo, opened up about the decision. “Nobody really appreciated the Wii U when it was first released, so we decided to give it the success it deserves by making it the only option” Fils-Aimé attested.

Fils-Aimé went on to state that Nintendo’s goal is to make the Wii U the best-selling console in video game history. This means selling 150 million units, which would put it ahead of the PlayStation 2.

In order to outsell the undisputed best game console of all time, Nintendo has included a variety of features that are sure to blow consumers socks off. One of the biggest features is the new virtual reality option, where players use the gamepad as a VR headset.

Players can use the headset along with motion pads they put on their hands and feet to play some of their favorite games in a first-person viewpoint. This only applies to moving, as more complex features are still tied to pressing buttons.

The VR option lacks a head strap for the gamepad, so players will have to find other ways to secure the gamepad onto their face. There is, however, a “Virtual Boy” feature that makes the graphics resemble those of the Virtual Boy, another old Nintendo product.

Rare amiibo will also be re-released for a short promo event, albeit for ten times the base price. The amiibos sound expensive, but it’s all worth it as Nintendo has printed these amiibos with different color palettes than before.

The console will ship out with a remaster of Sonic Boom, in which the graphics have been updated to 4k; Sonic Boom editions of the Wii U will also be shipped for a limited time along with other Sonic Boom related merchandise. Nothing else appears to have changed, including the glitches; Sega argued in favor of keeping the glitches so the game would “stay true to its roots.”

Speaking of Sega, Nintendo is not reviving the Wii U alone, as they have teamed up with Sega to complete the project, hence Sonic Boom as a release title. If the project fails, Sega will assume all debt and financial burden; if it succeeds then Nintendo will take all profits from Wii U sales.

Not that it’s likely to fail, as Nintendo has also teamed up with lawmakers across the world to outlaw the possession and use of anything related to the Switch. Everyone will have their house or apartment searched by members of the FBI for a Switch, at which point it will be destroyed in the style of a firing squad.

Failure to comply with authorities will result in a prison sentence, ranging from 5 to 100 years. Nintendo has gone on record stating that prison sentences could potentially last “for as long as the PlayStation 2 is ahead of the Wii U in units sold.”

Nintendo pushed for a universal outlaw regarding the sale of non-Wii U related products, but the motion was defeated by the slimmest of margins. Nintendo was still able to outlaw the sale of Switch related products, as well as the resale of any Nintendo products that existed prior to the Wii U.

“I know it sounds extreme but we worked very hard on the Wii U” confirmed Fils-Aimé. “I don’t want to see any of that work go to waste, and I don’t care what measures we have to go to see that happen.”

Fils-Aimé added that in order for people to appreciate the effort put in the Wii U, no new titles will be released for the system. All Wii U titles will receive remasters and updates at best, but no other games will be added to the library.

This means that games like Mario Maker might finally get slopes, or that Smash will finally see the return of Ice Climbers. Nintendo has also teased several new versions of Smash, stating that they “wanted the series to become the next Street Fighter.”

Although the lack of new games is slightly disappointing, the ten upcoming re-releases of Smash should make up for it. At the very least you can still play Mario Kart 8 and Smash, so the Wii U is good in terms of titles.

Nintendo’s plan is a move that is ultimately ambitious, but it is likely to pay off because of Mario Kart and Smash alone. If it doesn’t work, then Nintendo can just bring back another old system like the Virtual Boy or the Game and Watch.

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