April Fools!

CSI Finally Gets Football Team

Rising Demand Gets Dolphins Football Team Deal Done

By: Eric Ransom

Football was the most requested new sport to be added to CSI athletics next to hockey, golf and curling. (Credit: mascotDB.com)

At long last, The CSI Dolphins will finally toss around the pigskin.

In an unprecedented turn of events, The College of Staten Island has agreed with CUNYAC to create a football team, the first of its kind for the college.

Other sports like baseball, basketball, softball and tennis are staples at CSI, with football being an obvious hole unfulfilled.

After getting the OK from CUNYAC executives, the Dolphins will suit up in there pads and helmets, sharing the soccer field for a 12-game season that will begin next summer, lasting from August to October.

CSI will join the Wagner Seahawks in having their own football team, with rumblings that an exhibition may be played between the two as a yearly tradition

Plans have already been made to construct another turf field on campus within the next two years, college officials say.

Students at CSI have collectively voiced their opinion, all echoing the same statement: it’s about time.

“I can’t wait,” said Dick Johnson, junior at CSI. “I’m a Jets fan, so I can finally have an alternative to watching that ridiculous team.”

Professor Kardashian, an avid football fan, said of the new team, “I may start cancelling classes to watch these games. Nothing like live football!”

Students can watch the games for free, although fans of each road team must purchase a $30 ticket and a Dolphin plush toy.

Volunteers will be accepted to join the coaching staff, although a head coach will be selected by the end of May.

According to reports, CSI has shown strong interest in hiring a bevy of potential suitors, including Bill Nye, Prince William and Samuel L. Jackson.

Nye has drawn the most interest, given his knowledge of physics and his awesome bow tie.

Within just a few days, hundreds of students have signed up for tryouts, aiming to become a player on the inaugural football team. Tryouts will officially be held from May 12-13 on the soccer field from 3am to 9pm.

The official rosters are expected to be posted on Blackboard around June 1, barring any near-certain website problems.

Initially, a hockey team was in the works, fueled by a similar amount of demand as a football team, but fell apart after it was determined that CSI would only get a “field hockey” team.

Each year, six teams will play in a CUNYAC Division to compete for a new, 15 foot trophy named in honor of Danny DeVito, because why not.

The Danny DeVito Championship Trophy will be presented to the winner of the CUNYAC Division II Championship game, sponsored by Preparation H.

In response to the decision, CSI will be promoting their new team on social media leading up to the inaugural season. Over 80 students have been hired to work as PR and social media interns to promote the upcoming tryout and opening game, primarily with the use of the hashtags, #CSIFootball and #DolphinsGotBalls.

They will also be working hard on trying to differentiate the CSI Dolphins from the Miami Dolphins, an actual NFL team, with the hopes that CSI students aren’t led to believe that they can see a free Dolphins game in Miami.

President Trump weighed in on the football team on Twitter.

“What a great day for Staten Islanders. Worked hard and finally got The College of Staten Island a football team – you’re welcome! Some truly WONDERFUL people from SI who voted for me in the election. There will be absolutely NO kneeling during these football games – that I can tell you! covfefe”

Students, faculty and the CSI wildlife will eagerly be awaiting for the season to start in August.

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