April Fools!

Baldness Grants Powers We Don’t Understand

How Going Bald Can Really Benefit Your Life

By: Philip Sanzone 

This is what real power looks like. Photo Credit: wikipedia.org

Is going bald all that bad? This is a question many Americans ponder. Fun fact—about 76 percent of Americans are bald.

That’s about more than half of the population of the United States. Then why do people see going bald as a scary mid-life crisis?

In actuality, going bald is a popular trend. I asked one bald man on campus for his thoughts on the subject and he was able to give a lot of insight into what it’s like being bald.

After discussing the perfection of his fleeting hairline, the man decided to plunge into the abyss of baldness.

He still has confidence in the way he walks and talks. In fact, after becoming bald he made it a point to gain extra muscle mass.

When asked what his workout routine was, he said that his two main workouts were benching cars and weightlifting with houses. This man spoke as a true role model for all bald people.

In essence, baldness gives, it never takes away from one’s quality of life. It can make people better than they were before. If there has ever been a reason for you to go bald, then this article will persuade you to do so.

It is a proven fact that hair limits the power humans are truly capable of. However, going bald can give people access to their uncharted powers and gain control over their supernatural abilities.

Talking with some insiders from the bald community gave a lot of insight into how they carry out their inner magic. It is not well known but they actually control most of the government. One bald community member even outed President Donald Trump as the clan leader.

Finding all this information out was no easy feet—the only way to get into the bald community was to actually wear a cap. Then came the task of garnering their trust in order to find out how things worked in their world, which was a challenge.

By giving them gifts such as gel to keep their bald shine intact, they slowly warmed up to me. It actually gave me the opportunity to meet many sincere and good people.

The escape out of their community without getting caught was a success and rewardingly enough, finding out about their abilities was completely captivating. For instance, one thing I discovered was that absorbing sunlight to nourish their bodies keeps them energized throughout the day, much like a plant.

They even have the ability to gather wind just like characters from the show, “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” They use it to keep themselves cool during the hot summer months. It’s an incredible ability. The other crazy thing is that they can even gather wind from hot places around the globe.

Females were also a part of their society, but their powers were the scariest.

They can transform into anything such as trees, different people of any gender or age, or animals. It was scary that in the cult women used these bonus powers to join the spy forces for governments around the world.

Not even James Bond would be able to spot them out. Even their advanced technology is out of this world. Going bald is the way. It is cool and in style, and there are even secret societies that you can join.

The only downside to going bald is not having hair, but that is something that I think many can live without. By shaving off all your hair, it can give you more positive benefits than negative ones.

It’s all up to what you want, and if the powers and cool secrets are worth it for you, then go for it! Sometimes decisions require a degree of impulsiveness, but hopefully that impulsive move will lead to something good.

Trying it out won’t hurt. Doing something new might actually work out for you.

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