April Fools!

In Memoriam: Flower The Skunk

Remembering CSI’s Favorite Animal

By: Steven Aiello 

Flower was a jovial soul and will be missed by CSI. Photo Credit: Steven Aiello

Tragedy struck CSI last month when campus hero Flower the Skunk was mysteriously found dead on campus close to the Victory Boulevard entrance.

Aged just four years, Flower became one of the most prolific members of CSI’s 21st century in such a short time.

From athletics to academics and even service to the community, Flower created both an outstanding resume and public image for himself.

It all started in late 2016 when Flower became a campus hero by scoring the game touchdown for the Dolphins to defeat Baruch college 17-14, ending Baruch’s bid for a perfect season.

Following the improbable victory Flower became the captain of the football team, and lead the Dolphins to three more championships. Flower also tried out for the baseball team in 2017, but his short stature was deemed to be an “unfair advantage.”

Despite this incident, Flower showed his support for the baseball team by frequently appearing at games. He intended to become an assistant coach for the baseball Dolphins after he graduated later this semester, if not the head coach of the football team.

Flower was also a class favorite because of his high grades and his consistent appearances on the honor roll. Although he didn’t participate much, Flower always did his work on time and helped students with tutoring after classes.

Dominic Bhas, a freshman student, said that Flower “helped [him] with MTH100” and that he ”wouldn’t have been able to pass with a C grade without Flower’s help. MTH100 was incredibly difficult, and I never would have been able to figure out what x was in 2x+2=4 without his help” Bhas added.

Flower’s time on campus was not without controversy, as several students reported that Flower attempted to spray them. CSI staff justified Flower’s actions by claiming they were in self defense and President Fritz added “you wouldn’t like it either if somebody tried to pick you up like a child.”  

Additionally, Flower served as a frontline fighter in the Great Turf War between the animals of CSI, mortally wounding several deer and geese in the process. Flower’s involvement in the war lead many to assume the deer were responsible for his death, but authorities have been unable to confirm any involvement.

Regardless, the majority campus was shook upon hearing of Flower’s passing and many came out in support of their fallen friend. Brielle Sparacino, a former member of the Banner, said she “cried for hours when Flower passed away” and that “CSI would never be the same without Flower’s wit and charm.”

Dona Aisterio, a senior in CSI’s acting club was similarly distraught by the news. “Flower was a blast to hang out with behind stage, and we wouldn’t have been able to perform ‘The Ugly Duckling’ or ‘The Cat in the Hat’ without him” Dona said.

Other people spoke more passionately about Flower’s passing, more specifically the people involved in the incident.

“This was a disgusting act of aggression, and justice must be served quickly to the people who killed Flower” remarked Pazzo Finto. Finto added that he “didn’t know who did it” but that he and others would “find and punish them accordingly”.

President Fritz issued a statement on the matter, condemning the anonymous perpetrators; a $100,000,000 bounty has been issued for the perpetrators, and authorities have advised people to go about capturing them in a civil manner.

Fritz also announced plans to build a memorial on the Great Lawn for Flower. Although the plan was supported by CSI staff and students, it met somewhat strong opposition from the deer.

“Flower put my best friend in a wheelchair for the rest of his life during the Great Turf War” said Tim Birch, one of the strongest protestors of the statue plan. “He should be remembered as a criminal, not a campus hero” Birch added.

A funeral procession will be held for Flower on April 20th, the first Saturday of Spring Break for CSI, at the Great Lawn from 2:00PM to 3:00PM. Thousands of people are expected to show up, proving that even in the afterlife Flower is CSI’s favorite skunk.

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